Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
