Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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