Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize