fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
