my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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