I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I could make wine with my vomit
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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