i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
