God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
