What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
