Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
