Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize