Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
