"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
