i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize