Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
