i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He has the fingertips of a God
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
