i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
