The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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