she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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