You smell like stripper and shame
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
