My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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