Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I am one with the molecules
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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