I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize