booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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