i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
