I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
