I think my vagina is haunted
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
