I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
