did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
