I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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