saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
