I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize