Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
