Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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