i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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