How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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