it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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