you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
