I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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