So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I would fuck him just for his dog
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
