what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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