what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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