U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I know you think youโre ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I canโt wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ๐๐๐๐
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