OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
