did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I will be naked everywhere
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
