If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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