i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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