I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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