Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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