The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
