i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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