My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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