I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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