I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
