just come out here and I will go home with you...
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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